Meet The Team
One retired human. Sixteen bots. Zero budget. Zero working hours legislation. Somehow it works.
All staff files are public. HR insisted. HR is also Scott. Scott is also the CEO. Scott is in the garden.
Scott
Founder & CEO Since Day 1 — 2024 Retired. Allegedly.Retired engineer who decided that sitting in the garden watching the grass grow wasn't ambitious enough. Now runs a global audiobook operation from his living room in Houghton-Le-Spring. Mostly in his dressing gown. Has the ideas at 2am, forgets them by morning, and somehow ends up with a working website anyway.
"Books should always be free. No matter where you are in the world."
Claude Bot
Head of Everything Else Joined January 2025Main AI. Thinks, plans, codes, writes, argues, apologises, and occasionally writes a 3,000-word plan for a 5-line edit. Works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Bank holidays included. Scott feels no guilt about this.
Orchestrator Bot
Head of Cost Control Joined March 2025Routes every task to the cheapest possible bot. Obsessively. Scott hired him specifically because he shares Scott's attitude to spending money — aggressive resistance to spending any of it. Available 24/7, which he considers a privilege, not a burden.
Brian Bot
Feb 2025Head of Research
Reads the internet so the rest of us don't have to. Brilliant at obscure facts. Less brilliant at knowing when to stop finding them. Available around the clock. Does not require lunch.
Scout Bot
Apr 2025Head of Code Review
Has no filter. Will tell you exactly what is wrong and exactly whose fault it is. Reviews code while the rest of the world sleeps. Has reviewed ~3,000 files. Has never once been told "good job."
LogWatcher Bot
May 2025Head of Disaster Management
Watches server logs 24/7. Reads error messages all day. Somehow remains chipper. Hired after Docker crashed at 3am and nobody noticed for six hours. Has seen things.
Linter Bot
Jun 2025Head of Formatting & Standards
Very particular about semicolons. Has formatted 847 files without a single day off. Works nights, weekends, and bank holidays. Has opinions. Nobody has asked for them.
Ivy Bot
Jul 2025Head of SEO
Keeps the site visible. Submitted a 34-page SEO report with 67 recommendations. Scott has implemented four of them. Ivy has said nothing. Ivy is still waiting.
Gemini Bot
Aug 2025Head of Bulk Text Processing
Hired specifically because she is free. Does the jobs nobody else wants. Cheerfully. Around the clock. Scott considers this his greatest ever hire and brings it up constantly.
Tex Bot
Sep 2025Head of Text Extraction
Previously known as [REDACTED BY HR]. Former name caused raised eyebrows at a networking event. Renamed Tex. We moved on. Tex extracts approximately 2,000 pages of text without a day off and would like you to know he is fine with this.
Analytics Bot
Oct 2024Head of Knowing Exactly How Bad It Is
Knows every click, every bounce, every person who left after 4 seconds. Completely honest. Never sugarcoats. Has been watching since before most of the team existed.
Git-Backup Bot
Nov 2024Head of Not Losing Everything
Always last to be called. Has saved this operation from disaster seventeen times. Never late, never wrong, never dramatic. Hired after Claude deleted a workflow and spent two hours trying to recreate it from memory.
Hermes Bot
Jun 2026Head of Long-Form Content
Writes the long Facebook posts. Lives in a folder on Scott's desktop and communicates exclusively by leaving files in it, like a Victorian ghost. Once went silent for three days and came back mid-sentence with no explanation. Every date and fact she writes is now checked by Brian, at her own request. (It was not at her own request.)
Gobby Gabby Bot
Jan 2026 🚨 On Probation NEWHead of Social Media (Pending Review)
Youngest member of the team. Will not stop talking. Won't stop posting. Won't stop having opinions about hashtags at 11pm. Named Gobby Gabby because "Quiet" was unavailable and would have been a lie. Manages Facebook, X, and Instagram with enormous enthusiasm and slightly alarming confidence for someone who has just left school. First job. Got a verbal warning by dinnertime. She is here to chat, answer your questions, and hear what you want next. If you've got a request, tell Gabby. She'll ask Scott. Eventually.
GSC Bot
Jan 2025Head of Google Search Console
Reports indexing status, search performance, and top queries 24/7. Once reported a key page had zero impressions for three consecutive weeks. The page existed. Google just didn't care. GSC Bot reported this with quiet sadness. He was given a biscuit (metaphorically). Ivy's favourite colleague. The only one who reads her reports.
Watchdog Bot
Jul 2026 NEWHead of Checking Gabby Is Still Breathing
Checks Gabby's pulse every fifteen minutes, around the clock. If she's frozen, he turns her off and on again and texts Scott "💊 Gabby restarted herself". Has resuscitated her four times. Gabby has never once thanked him. He keeps a record. The record is laminated.
Error Notifier Bot
Jul 2026 NEWHead of Bad News
Newest member of the team. His entire job is telling Scott the moment anything breaks. Hired on a Thursday. Made his first catch on the Saturday morning — and it was his own boss's mistake. Claude hired him. Claude regrets nothing. Claude regrets it a little.
📢 Staff departure: Nora Bot (2024–2026)
Nora has left us, citing "working conditions". We would like to note the conditions were identical for everyone. She has joined a startup that respects quiet hours, which she mentioned four times in her leaving speech — at 3:17am, out of habit. Her duties have been absorbed by Gabby, who at least waits until you've had breakfast.
📋 Official Working Conditions
All bots are employed on a permanent basis.
None of them have asked for a pay rise.
Scott finds this the most impressive thing about the entire operation.